Recently Vanessa from Wordways Ceremonies conducted a memorial service for a man who had not shared his afterlife wishes. He had not told his loved ones what he wanted to happen after his death.
All his family knew was that he wanted to be cremated. He had also been clear about what he wanted to happen to his ashes. However, he had not told anyone whether he wanted a celebration of life ceremony. He had not said if he wanted a church service or a non-religious ceremony.
In South Africa death remains a taboo topic, shrouded in silence and fear. Yet if people spoke more about dying, they would begin to feel more comfortable about it. Talking about it does not, after all, bring death closer.
And this planning is not limited to the elderly or very ill. We know neither the day nor the hour when we will die. Many young people lose their lives in accidents. Criminals and diseases like cancer or TB do not respect youth either.
What happens when we don’t have the difficult conversations?
Things would have been so much easier if the deceased had had those difficult conversations long before he became ill. If he had written down what he wanted there would have been no need for emotional arguments. His grieving widow and children would have been able to get on with arranging what he wanted to happen.
Put your afterlife wishes in writing
Death is inevitable. According to Statistics South Africa, the estimated number of deaths in South Africa in 2022 reached 663,075. This is a stark reminder of our shared mortality.
You might also consider putting in writing how you wish to be treated when you become ill for the last time.
This may take the form of a living will. A living will is a document that tells doctors how you want to be treated if you cannot make your own decisions about emergency and life-prolonging treatment. You may also appoint a health care proxy. This is a person who can make decisions for your health care when you are no longer in a state to make or express them.
In Case Of Death file
There are templates available to help you to think of all the matters that must be addressed once you have died. Love legacy Dignity is a South African website which provides detailed forms to guide you through all the information that you can leave.
Some of the questions that you should cover include:
- Do you want to be buried, cremated or have an alternative means of disposing of your remains? (Read Wordways Ceremonies’ blog on some of the options.)
- Do you want a celebration of life ceremony? Not everyone does. Do you want a religious service? Would you prefer to have a non-religious celebrant create and conduct a personalized ceremony for you? Wordways Ceremonies performs ceremonies to meet your wishes.
- If you want to be cremated, what will happen to your ashes? Here are some options.
- Indicate whether you want to donate your organs. Have you contacted the Organ Donor Foundation?
- What about your digital presence? What do you want to happen to your social media profiles? Who is going to manage them?
- Do you have a will? Where do you keep it?
- If you have insurance policies does your family know where they are?
- Have you made an up-to-date list of all your account numbers and passwords? All these documents should be in an In Case Of Death (ICOD) file. Make sure many of your family members or close friends know where it is.
- What should happen to your pets once you’re gone?
The added value of recording your afterlife wishes
When we become used to talking about death we are also able to say things to our loved one like ‘I love you,’ or ‘I’m sorry,’ or ‘I’m proud of you’. We might not have the opportunity on our death bed to tell friends and family what they have meant to us. This is a two way process. Our loved ones also get the opportunity to express their feelings. Grief is difficult enough to cope with, without having deep regrets about not telling someone how you felt about them.