Introduction
The holiday season is usually portrayed as a time of joy, celebration and togetherness — but for some people holiday grief is real. When the world around us seems to be filled with cheer, the absence of someone we love can become even more pronounced, turning what was once a comforting tradition into a painful reminder of loss.
As a non-religious celebrant, I meet many individuals and families who find this time of year especially challenging, and their experiences speak to a simple truth: grief does not follow the calendar. Let us consider gentle, practical ways to navigate the festive season with compassion, honesty and care, allowing space both for remembrance and for the possibility of small moments of peace.
Why the Holidays Can Be So Hard
In South Africa, “Dezemba” is associated with a vibrant and carefree spirit, marking the start of the summer holidays and a season of extensive festivities and social gatherings. The pressure to be jolly is difficult to resist. However, for someone who is grieving the death of a loved one, the last thing they feel like doing is celebrating.
Grief can feel sharper when everyone else seems to be making merry.
Understanding Holiday-Triggered Grief
Now the bereaved become all the more conscious of the “empty chair” – the physical and emotional gaps left by a loved one are now highlighted. These holidays are often times of nostalgia and memories. The family traditions can amplify longing.
In these times people also realise how their identity has been affected by their loss. Now they are no longer a wife or husband, a sibling or a child.
And each person experiences their own unique version of this grief and this must be respected.
Allow Yourself to Feel What You Feel
It is normal to feel intense sadness, loneliness, anger, numbness or mixed emotions. Often your life seems to be grey and you are incapable of even pretending to be joyful.
Give yourself permission to step away from events or traditions that feel too heavy. Explain how you are feeling to your friends and other family members.
A South African Context
South Africa’s rich tapestry of cultures means that holiday traditions vary widely from one household to another. For some, this time of year is shaped by Christian celebrations; for others, it centres on family reunions, cultural customs, or simply the rhythm of the long summer break. This diversity creates a vibrant national atmosphere, but it can also intensify the sense of being “out of step” for those who are grieving. When familiar rituals shift or disappear after the loss of a loved one, it can leave a profound emptiness at a time when many around you are preparing for gatherings, travel or celebration.
Because our festive period coincides with summer, the contrast between public joy and private sorrow can feel even sharper. While many families head to the coast, gather for large braais, or spend long days outdoors, those experiencing grief may find themselves feeling increasingly isolated. The quieter days in cities and towns – when neighbours are away, offices close, and normal routines pause – can amplify loneliness and remove the usual distractions that offer comfort throughout the year.
In such moments, community-based support becomes incredibly valuable. South Africans have a strong tradition of looking after one another, whether through neighbourhood groups, friendship circles, or informal networks built around shared interests or local initiatives. Small acts of connection — a check-in message, an invitation for tea, a walk with a friend — can offer grounding at a time when emotions fluctuate. Local grief support groups, non-religious gatherings of remembrance, and community events that emphasise inclusivity can also provide meaningful companionship. Reaching out, even in small ways, can help you feel anchored in a season that otherwise feels overwhelming.
Adapt or Redefine Holiday Traditions
Now you might decide which traditions to keep or adjust and which to let go.
You might feel the need to create new rituals in memory of the person, such as lighting a special candle, visiting a grave site, sharing a story, cooking their favourite dish or creating a memory book to help to integrate loss into one’s life.
Draw children and the rest of the family into the process of redefining traditions. Reject the pressure to “move on” – grief has no timeline after all. You may, however, gently embrace remembrance.
Manage Social Expectations
Communicate ahead of time with family and friends about what you think you can manage. Other must accept that you might set boundaries around gatherings, conversations and emotional labour.
This is not always easy, but you must learn to say “no” without guilt. You might also have to learn to ask for practical support if needed.
Practical self-care strategies to cope with holiday grief
Now might be a good time to consider grounding practices. It helps to focus on your breathing. You might explore meditation or journaling. Spend time outdoors, preferably in natural surroundings, either in solitude or with supportive and empathetic companions.
Keep connected with supportive people, even if it only on your phone.
Look after your body. Give yourself permission to rest. Keep up your hydration and do some gentle movement.
Have a family meeting prior to the holiday to discuss everyone’s needs.
Make plans. Schedule things to do that are gentle on your emotions. Plan to spend time with people you enjoy, and who can accept your sadness as well as your joy. Let go of what you or others think you “should do” and focus on what you need. A plan can help manage feelings of dread and help you feel more prepared. Make sure the plan is respectful of your energy and your feelings. A plan can include things you’ve always done or something different.
But always remain flexible, so that if you are not up to doing something on the day, then simply acknowledge it.
Supporting Grieving Children and Teens
If you are responsible for young members of the family, remember that children who have lost someone need consistency. They need to feel safe. Keep routines where possible, or gently adjust them without pressure. Maintain open communication all the time. Explain that things might be different from the way they were done before. Include them in the planning. Involve them in simple commemorative gestures that honour the one who is no longer with you.
Let young people express themselves creatively. They might want to do some visual art or other creative activities.
There are grief journals available for children and teens.
When the Grief Feels Too Big
Be aware that you may need additional support. There is no shame in seeking the help of counsellors, therapists or support groups. Remember – grief doesn’t have to be carried alone.
Conclusion: choose compassion for yourself this season
As the holiday season approaches, it’s important to remind yourself that there is no right or wrong way to move through grief. Some days may feel heavy, others unexpectedly lighter, and both are entirely valid. What matters most is treating yourself with patience, kindness and honesty as you navigate a time that can stir up deep emotions and old memories. You do not have to carry it all on your own: support, connection and understanding can make a meaningful difference.
If you feel that a personalised, non-religious ceremony — or simply an informal, supportive conversation about how best to honour your loved one — might bring some comfort during this season, I am here to help in that capacity. While I am not a trained grief counsellor or therapist, I can offer a compassionate listening ear and professional guidance in creating meaningful ceremonies of remembrance that reflect both the life being honoured and the needs of those left behind. Please feel free to reach out — together, we can shape a space for tribute, reflection, and gentle connection during a difficult time.
Frequently Asked Questions about Managing Holiday Grief
How can I support someone during the holidays who has recently experienced loss?
- Remember that grief is not a problem to be solved, but a process to be supported.
- Be present. Often, it’s not about saying the “perfect” thing, but simply showing up and listening without judgment.
- Acknowledge the loss. Saying “I want you to know that I’ve been thinking about you and the significance of what you’re experiencing right now” can be more comforting than avoiding the subject.
- Offer practical help. Grief can be debilitating and exhausting. Assisting with tasks like cooking, shopping or child care can relieve some of the burden.
- If you don’t know what to say, it’s OK to admit it. A simple “I don’t have the right words, but I’m here for you” can mean a great deal.
- Avoid phrases like “They’re in a better place” or “Everything happens for a reason.” While the intentions behind them are often good, these platitudes can feel dismissive.
- Focus on empathy and validation. Saying “This must be so hard for you” or “Tell me more about what you’re feeling” opens the door to meaningful conversation.
- Respect the boundaries of your loved one who’s grieving. Let them honour their emotions by going at their own pace.
- Read more about comforting bereaved friends.
Is it normal for my grief to feel stronger during the holidays?
Yes. The festive season often brings memories, traditions and expectations that can intensify feelings of absence. Even if you’ve been coping well throughout the year, the contrast between your inner world and the outward cheer can make emotions feel sharper. This is a natural response — not a setback. Allow yourself to acknowledge these feelings without judgement.
How can I take part in holiday gatherings when I don’t feel up to it?
Give yourself permission to participate in a way that feels manageable. This might mean attending for a short time, choosing smaller or quieter gatherings, or skipping certain events altogether. It can be helpful to let the host or a trusted person know in advance that you may leave early or step outside for a break. You don’t have to “perform” joy — simply being present on your own terms is enough.
Should I create new holiday traditions or hold on to old ones?
There is no right answer — only what feels best for you. Some people find comfort in keeping familiar traditions alive, while others feel the need to adjust them or introduce new rituals that honour their loved one in a gentle, meaningful way. This might include lighting a candle, sharing a favourite memory, or preparing a dish they loved. You can experiment each year until you find what feels supportive rather than painful.
How can I handle well-meaning but difficult questions or comments from family members about my loss?
Prepare a few short, clear, and kind boundary statements ahead of time. You don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation of your grief. Examples include:
- “Thank you for your concern. I’m taking things one day at a time, and I’d prefer not to discuss it right now.”
- “I appreciate you asking. Today, I’m just focusing on enjoying this quiet moment.”
- If you need to leave the conversation, a simple, “I need to step away for a moment,” is sufficient. Prioritise your peace over their curiosity.
What if I suddenly feel overwhelmed or have a “grief burst” while I’m at a holiday gathering?
Have an “exit strategy” ready.
- Identify a safe, quiet spot at the location (like a bathroom, a spare room, or outside).
- Use a grounding technique (e.g., the 5-4-3-2-1 method: name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste).
- Don’t hesitate to leave the gathering early. Inform the host briefly: “I’m so glad I came, but I need to head home now.” Your well-being comes first.
I’m worried about the expectation of “being happy.” How do I manage the pressure to enjoy the season?
Remind yourself that grief and joy can coexist. You are not required to be “happy” in the traditional sense, but you can strive for moments of connection, contentment, and comfort. Lower the bar on expectations. Focus on micro-moments: the taste of a favourite food, a lovely sunset, a good song. Give yourself permission to feel your sadness alongside any moments of peace or pleasure that arise. You are simply showing up as you are.