Introduction to pre-marital discussions
Pre-marital discussions are far more than a formality; they are an essential part of building a thoughtful, intentional life together. Before a couple stands up to make their vows, it’s important that they’ve already explored the values, expectations, and practicalities that will shape their shared future. These conversations don’t dampen romance—they deepen it, creating clarity, mutual understanding, and emotional safety. As a non-religious celebrant, I often see how couples who engage openly and honestly beforehand step into marriage with confidence and connection.
This list of questions explores the key conversations every couple should consider before saying “I do.”
Children:
Do you both want to have children?
If yes, when do you want to start a family?
And how many do you want?
How will you resolve the matter if only one of you wants to have children?
If you want children, what will you do if you are unable to have a child?
What will you do if there is an unexpected pregnancy?
If you do have children can you agree to always consult each other when any decision is made, even day to day ones?
Can you agree to always present a united front to the children?
How will you approach the challenge of a disabled child?
If there are children from a previous marriage, can you reach an agreement on how the family dynamics are managed, including relationships with ex-partners?
Finances:
How do you manage your finances together?
Do you split expenses between you if you both have an income? If so, are you happy with the way your financial responsibilities are allocated? Think particularly about the percentage of your whole salary that you are spending. It’s not fair if one is spending 25% while the other is spending 80% of their salary. Many couples use an app to manage their joint finances.
How do you approach finances if one of you is earning much more than the other?
Do you know how much debt your partner has?
Are you agreed on how much debt you are prepared to get into together?
How important are material things to each of you? Do you share similar ambitions about the clothes, cars, holidays and home you want to have?
Are you able to save every month, so that you can deal with problems such as illness, accidents or retrenchments?
Work:
Do you share a similar attitude to the importance of your jobs?
How will you deal with differences in work/life balance?
Do you support each other in your ambitions at work?
If one of you wants to run their own business will you be prepared to support them in every way that you can?
Relationship with Family:
How much time do you want to spend with each other’s family?
How much influence does your partner’s family have on their decisions? Are you comfortable with that?
Can you find ways of dealing with any problems or arguments that might arise with family members, so that they don’t affect your relationship with your partner?
Have you discussed the possibility of a member of one partner’s family coming to live with you?
Living habits:
Are you willing to share household chores equally?
Can you take turns in cooking, so that resentment does not build up?
Do you have compatible ideas of cleanliness and tidiness in the home?
Would you say that you spend a similar amount of time on social media?
Do you share similar views on punctuality when you have to be at an event?
Are you able to find programmes to watch or live shows to see that you will both enjoy?
Beliefs:
Do you have similar religious or non-religious beliefs? If not, are you tolerant of your partner’s beliefs, especially if they affect your major life decisions?
Will the religious beliefs affect the upbringing of the children – such as through dietary requirements or choice of schools?
How strong are your views on politics? If they are, are they compatible?
Friends:
How much influence do your friends have on your relationship?
Are you able to agree on how much time each partner spends with their friends?
How do you manage if one partner does not like one of the other person’s friends?
Sex:
Can you talk openly about your desires? What will you do if they are not met?
Did you know that some partners would prefer an open or polyamorous marriage?
(They say that sex is 20% of a relationship when it is good, but it becomes 80% of the relationship when it is not satisfactory!)
Negotiable/non-negotiable:
Maybe you need to have a look at all these topics and make a list for yourself about what would be non-negotiable. Leave it for a couple of days and then look at it again. Then show your partner your list and discuss it.
Conclusion
Ultimately, the conversations you have before marriage are not about ticking boxes, but about building a partnership grounded in honesty, respect, and shared intention. Taking the time to explore these topics now creates a stronger, more resilient foundation for your future together. If you’d like guidance in shaping a ceremony that truly reflects the depth of your relationship and the values you share, I would be delighted to help. Feel free to contact me to begin crafting a personalised, meaningful celebration of your commitment.