Mourners who choose to speak at a funeral are sometimes concerned that they might become emotional while they are reading. When the speaker is a teenager, this concern increases.
At a funeral conducted by Vanessa Bower, from Wordways Ceremonies, some time ago, the husband of the deceased wrote a beautifully heartfelt piece about his wife. He knew he would not be able to read it, so he asked his late wife’s niece to read it on his behalf.
Knowing that the sixteen-year-old niece was very close to her aunt, Vanessa expressed her doubts as to whether this would be a wise choice. It seemed to be asking a great deal of the young lady.
“No, she’ll be fine,” the husband assured Vanessa.
Vanessa tried to assure the niece that she would stand with her when she spoke and that she could take over if it became necessary. Unfortunately, her misgivings were justified. The niece found it very difficult to stop weeping while she was reading. No doubt she didn’t want to let her uncle down, so she insisted on carrying on. This meant that it was very difficult to make out what the husband had written.
So, not only was it deeply upsetting for the niece and everyone present, but the husband’s sentiments were lost.
It doesn’t have to be like this
However, the saying goes, “Children can do extraordinary things when extraordinary things are asked of them.” Vanessa has experienced this to be true.
More recently, she conducted a funeral for a woman, whose daughter of sixteen really wanted to speak during the ceremony. Her father said it was her choice and he would quite understand if she wasn’t able to do it. Vanessa asked the daughter to send her what she had written. She assured her that she would be standing nearby and would easily be able to take over the reading if it was necessary.
She also gave her some suggestions to use her breathing to help to keep her voice steady and to pause for a drink of water if she needed to.
The daughter obviously wanted to share her memories of growing up with her mother and to describe the kind of person she had been. She also shared some of her great regrets about the events in her life in the future at which her mother would not be present.
She showed great courage and, although there were a few moments when she faltered, she was able to get through her well-written eulogy with great sincerity.
“Thank you, Vanessa!” she said afterwards. “Your support gave me the confidence to carry on. I knew I could let you take over if necessary, but it turned out that you didn’t need to.”
Everyone assured her that her mother would have been very proud of her. Indeed, she was a remarkable inspiration to other teenage speakers at funerals.
Closing thoughts
It is quite common for family members to take Vanessa up on her offer to read their piece on their behalf. However, many have drawn great comfort from the fact that she would be ready to take over at a moment’s notice.
Supporting teenage speakers at funerals, is one of the quiet but important parts of a celebrant’s role. Grief is unpredictable. It can make all the difference to know that someone is standing beside you, ready to step in without judgement. Whether a speaker finds their voice or gratefully hands over the page, what matters most is that the words are heard. We honour their loved one with dignity.
If you are preparing to read or speak at a funeral, here is some advice for you.
If you would like to talk about how Vanessa can support you and your family through a funeral ceremony in Gauteng, she would be happy to have that conversation.