People have strong feelings about taking children to a funeral. Some feel that it is important for the child’s grieving process to attend this ritual leave-taking. Others feel that it would be too upsetting or that the child would not know what’s going on.
Depending on the age of the child, probably the best person to ask about this is the child himself. Explain what is going to happen at the funeral and once they have the information and you have answered their questions, let them make the choice.
In many South African communities young people are only allowed to attend a funeral when they are about eighteen, unless the deceased is a close family member. Many people resent that they have no choice and have a feeling of exclusion from a significant family event.
A funeral is the coming together of people to celebrate the life of someone who has died. It is an opportunity to tell the story of their life and for friends and family to acknowledge the effect the deceased had had on their lives. It is also a time for people to share their grief and to comfort each other.
We need to explain this to a child, using language that they will understand. We also need to describe a coffin if it is going to be there and what will happen during the ceremony.
Advantages to allowing a child at a funeral
Attending the funeral of a loved one therefore helps the child to understand the process of life and death. Death is a natural part of life. A funeral is an important way to acknowledge this.
When children attend a funeral, they will see that they are not the only ones whose lives have been touched by knowing this special person. They can listen to others recounting their memories and might be surprised to hear how different they are from their own memories.
They might also learn aspects about their loved one’s life that they had not known.
It helps them to see that adults also experience strong emotions and show their grief. The child realises that it is acceptable and natural to feel loss and deep sadness.
If the parent is going to be actively involved in the ritual or feels that the child will hinder their own grieving process, it might be a good idea to ask a close friend to be with the child at the funeral. This person can answer their questions or take them outside if they wish to do so.
Is there a “right” age to attend a funeral?
Adults often underestimate a child’s instinctive understanding. By the age of about five, they understand the difference between something being alive or dead. By the time they are about eight they begin to understand that a person who has died is not going to come back.
If the child is able sit quietly and understands that it should not speak while other people are speaking, it should be able to cope, especially if accompanied by an adult whom it trusts.
A parent might also consider involving the child in the ceremony, in an age-appropriate way. The child might put a flower or one of his or her drawings on the coffin or light a special candle. If they are used to reading aloud, they might be able to do one of the readings.
Vanessa Bower of Wordways Ceremonies can offer advice on involving children at non-religious funeral ceremonies.
For other articles on non-religious funerals go to Wordways Ceremonies website.