For most people, caring for someone who is dying will be a unique and profound experience. It would be helpful to think about what you need to know, in order to navigate this sensitive time.
Visiting Someone Who Is Dying
South African culture often emphasizes close family ties. This is your way of showing your relative or close friend that you are there for them. Visiting the dying is also considered a way to show respect and offer comfort to the caregivers and the rest of the family.
A quick call beforehand allows the family to prepare and ensures a peaceful visit for everyone. Obviously, respecting the wishes of the patient is most important.
What to Do for Someone Who Is Dying
When you are with someone who is close to death, making sure that they are comfortable is your main focus.
- Terminally ill patients are often cold, so make sure that they have enough soft blankets. On the other hand, although you might feel cold, the patient is too hot. Maybe setting up a fan or opening a window will help. You can place a cool, wet towel on their forehead.
- Light may be an issue. They might prefer low lighting and candles. They may also want to see the person who is sitting with them, so a bedside lamp can be switched on.
- Soothing music in the background will help everyone to relax. An essential oil diffuser might also be restful.
- Make sure that the pillows are supportive. Do they want more pillows or fewer? Moving the pillows around brings more comfort.
- Dying patients often stop eating and drinking. Do not try to force them to eat or drink. Ice chips for them to suck or wiping the mouth with a damp cloth may be most refreshing.
- Rubbing aching joints with massage oil can bring relief. There are pads which can be heated or chilled which bring relief when you place them on a painful area. Find out how to do simple hand massages.
Ideally the patient’s pain will be under control. South Africa has a growing palliative care sector, offering pain and symptom management to improve quality of life for the terminally ill [1]. If appropriate, inquire if the patient is receiving palliative care. Beyond medical care, offering practical help like errands or childcare can be a huge relief for the family.
How to Be With Someone Who Is Dying
Your presence is of value to the patient. Sitting calmly at the bedside brings reassurance. Sometimes, simply sitting quietly or holding a hand speaks volumes.
Tell them how much they mean to you and how they have influenced your life. Everybody will find solace in sharing stories and reminiscing with the dying, celebrating their life’s journey.
Here, open communication is important – be willing to listen to their fears and wishes.
Ask them what they want to happen after they have died. Get clarity on their funeral wishes, along with burial or cremation decisions. Ask them if they have a will and where it is kept.
Sometimes the patient is not able to speak, but you can continue to speak to them. You can read or even sing to them.
It might happen that a patient seems to be talking to someone who is not there. Do not try to argue with them or try to put them right. Give the dying person the space to experience their own reality.
The patient might be confused due to the medication. Always say who you are when you arrive to see them. Talk them through what is happening. Suddenly they might have moments of clarity. Enjoy them while they last.
Can Friends and Family Be There When Someone Dies?
Absolutely. In South Africa, death is often a communal experience. Family and friends traditionally gather in the room. Take turns to sit with the patient, offering emotional support. This can be a source of great strength for both the dying and those close to them.
Supporting yourself during this time
Caring for someone who is dying can be emotionally draining. Don’t hesitate to seek support yourself. Talk to trusted friends and family, or consider grief counselling services. Remember, self-care is essential so you can continue to be there for your loved one.
Caring for someone who is dying can be a challenging but ultimately rewarding experience. You can create a space of love, dignity, and comfort for your loved one during this difficult time.
Wordways Ceremonies creates personalised funerals and celebrations of life ceremonies. Contact Vanessa today to discuss your needs.
Additional Resources:
- The South African Hospice Palliative Care Association (SAHPCA) offers support and resources for patients, families, and caregivers: https://apcc.org.za/